To be Passive or Not

I have learned a lot from relationships in the past; whether it has been intimate or not. I can say that I take things on full force and put my all into something that I believe in. I am a firm believer in treating people how I would want to be treated. What you put into something is definitely what you should get out of it; especially if it is something that you look forward to being long term. Over the past couple of years in observing my friends and their relationships no matter the type, I have seen some of the craziest things. I have seen jealousy, emotional mind games, anger, and even physical abuse. I have seen peace and harmony on the outside but on the inside it is chaos and drama. They are pretty much holding it together. Years ago I was involved in this same type of relationship clearly because I did not want anyone in my business. I wouldn’t say that it was a closeted relationship, it was just guarded nonetheless. I was unhappy. The relationship was unhealthy and filled with anger. It was filled out painful words, no encouragement. I was taken advantage of and there was a lack of affection. My esteem was at an all time low. I didn’t show affection because it wasn’t shown to me. The relationship felt more like a job than anything and I worked hard. I made sure the bills were paid, the food cooked, and the house was clean. I was cold on the inside, but on the outside no one could tell the difference; not even my closest friends. I became consumed by work. I gained weight. I didn’t care. I didn’t love myself. I was always stressing about what could be done to make this person happy; I didn’t care about my happiness. I would go to bed every night with a prayer in my heart that things would get better. Until one day I woke up and realized that it wasn’t going to get better because I was the only one working at it. All of my emotions where bottled up waiting to be unleashed at any time. This could be potentially dangerous for me. I was on the road to self destruction. I share this not because I want you to know my life story but because it will explain why I am the way that I am.

I found out long ago that you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else. I finally gave it a shot. I started to not worry about the things that I couldn’t control; because it only made things worse. I started focusing on those who cared about me. I eliminated all negative things from my life; that included a lot of so called friends. To say the least I have the people in my life that matter to me the most. Life isn’t worth pointless drama and chaos that will only end up with pain. Life is too short to worry about people that don’t have your best interests at heart. I can see where some may say that I may be passive. I just know when to react at the right times; I think before I react most of the time. I am human. I love those who love me back. I have an understanding heart but that doesn’t always mean that I agree.

I made a promise to myself that if I ever found love again, I would be confident and secure in my own skin. I would show that person everyday how much I appreciated them because I was never appreciated in the past. I would be all of those things that person from my past was not. I will not complain about things that don’t matter. I will only try to improve on situations that impact me and my better half. I will not indulge in jealous acts that will push the person that I love away from me; to arrive at such thoughts only bring out insecurities about you. I will leave the past in the past unless it is affecting the future. I will handle things as a positive adult. I am only one person with strong opinions.

So I say this about my Passive attitude. I will offer resistance when I believe that it is necessary. I am as equally submissive as I am aggressive. Yes I am patient. Love me for who I am; a strong minded sometimes overly affectionate woman. Appreciate it because I give it to those whom I love unconditionally, only because I want the same in return.